5:22 p.m. | 2015-12-15 - my brother gets out of rehab tomorrow. the center had this two-day family event a few weeks ago and i went with my parents, brother's girlfriend, and grandma. the second morning they had all of us sit in this big circle, the families on one side and the addicts on the other, and then they put chairs in the middle. one by one the families would go sit in the center of the circle, across from their loved ones in treatment, and just vent at them. the addicts weren't allowed to respond. it was the saddest and most personal thing i've ever done and i've honestly blocked my part of it out, but listening to those families was so heartbreaking. i only managed to not cry by sheer force of will. a dad telling his middle-aged son that this is his absolute last chance or he's being cut out forever, a mom who cried as she described seeing her son lying in a hospital bed after overdosing and then him waking up and being hateful about it, a mother who'd been sober for almost a decade and had been an extremely active part of AA only to fall off the wagon, family members who are veterans of this whole experience and family members who are just now learning what all of this means. the misery was palpable. growing up my brother and i didn't get along. we had a very typical older brother/younger sister dynamic, with him always hitting me or making fun of me. once, when i was thirteen, he walked into my room and asked if i wanted to go see a movie with him and his friend. first i thought he was fucking with me, but then i was absolutely elated, sure this would be a turning point in our relationship and that we would be friends now. and it was, and we were. but i guess that same year is also when all of this shit started. so i've never felt like i really befriended my brother. i befriended a version of him that i can only hope is being smothered by sobriety. all i want is to know the clean version of him. but how do you trust someone who couldn't even last two weeks sober last time? whose six-year decline led to a year's worth of basically-heroin tea and a literal crackhouse, that last night? i am truly trying. |