9:18 p.m. | 2015-09-30
addiction

i think i'm still learning how to want things. some good things have actually been happening in my life, with potential for MORE good things, and there's a pretty big part of me that just wants to shove it all away. my life has been safe. i haven't been hurt in years. lonely, yes, but never hurt by anyone other than myself. i haven't had to try for things, and by extension fail at things. i haven't had to face judgment or choose between two great options or explain my actions. i've just been sitting around, barely existing. how am i supposed to start doing those things now? and what if i seriously can't? i don't want things to implode. because of this i talk myself out of any excitement or anticipation. oh, that good thing that just happened? honestly wasn't that great. this is what i've been waiting for, all this time? all these years?

i got to see my brother on sunday. he had some pretty positive vibes going. blah blah sobriety, blah blah clearheadedness, blah blah. love him to death, but i can't help but be skeptical. one of his greatest skills is pinning his hopes on certain ideas and then giving up on them just when they're seemingly in reach.

apathy is my drug. isolation is my drug. i want to change these things about myself, but i'm an addict. just like my brother.