2:19 a.m. | 2014-11-15
RIP andrew

this guy i had a crush on in high school died the other day. i'm getting the impression it was a suicide. reading through the posts on his facebook, it's like... it's so scary, because he clearly made connections with a lot of people in a lot of places, but he still felt empty enough to die. and you paint this picture of sadness in your head, and it always involves the subject being completely isolated, and that's just... not always how it works out in real life. it doesn't seem fair. it wasn't fair, for him. we weren't friends (my years-ago crush involved being starry-eyed over cuteness and good music taste from a distance), and i'm not even gonna pretend i have the right to grieve, but i'm sad to see him go. nothing about this world makes sense.

i graduate in less than a month. me and a class partner gave a 50 minute presentation today and i barely gave myself anxiety over it. i have been dealing with depression for 10 years. i am so alone. i think i can live with this forever and i can't bear it.