3:30 a.m. | 2014-10-09
24

i turned 24 on friday. it was a good birthday. i have a great family. i'm having some minor crises over being 24 and having achieved close to nothing, but what can you do.

i've been missing a lot of school lately, sleeping 12 hours a night, living off of a can of soup a day because going to the store is too stressful, trying not to think about my future, my usual schtick. i don't know if i'll ever change. i feel like i've been stuck in this stage - anxiety, depression, isolation, blah, blah, blah - for so long that i've forgotten how to be any other way. but my birthday was a nice reprieve.

i don't know what it is about 3 am that makes you feel like you can suddenly accomplish shit, but i always get these bursts of optimism at this time of night, where i suddenly think, "tomorrow i'll go to the store like a normal person and stop alternating between starving and binging due to anxiety. i'll start exercising. i'll work harder in classes and graduate in two months and get a decent job. i'll leave florida." so on, so forth. but that feeling disappears in the morning. i think the only reason everything feels possible is because at this time of night achieving ANYTHING is impossible: you have to wait until everyone else wakes up. and at sunrise it all feels too real again... so. back to square one.

honestly, is there a point of no return? can you reach a point where you've isolated and scared yourself into a corner? if going to the grocery store can sometimes seem like an insurmountable task, how am i supposed to navigate job interviews and relationship-building and everything else? will i want to? these are questions i'm tired of asking. i think i should just stop asking them, and stop writing, until something changes. there is nothing left to self-reflect on. i am spent.