12:14 a.m. | 2014-09-02 - marie messaged me the other day to tell me my brother's drinking is getting out of hand. he's still working and everything, but she says he drinks as many as 20 beers a night and she thinks he might have woken up to go to work the other day still legally intoxicated. a big part of his job involves driving, so this is obviously a huge problem for more than the obvious reasons. so now my family is awkwardly fumbling through intervention plans. there's no right way to do this. i know addiction is a disease. i know relapse is inevitable for most addicts. i know that i love my brother and we have to do this for him, before he spirals out of control. i know all of this, and i'm still mad. i'm especially mad that all of the people handling his ~intervention~ are addicts in their own right, so he's no doubt going to call them out and refuse to listen (not that he would've anyway). you know, what can you do. to top this all off i just started my last semester of college and the thought of graduating in december and going on a job hunt is giving me anxiety on a level i've never experienced before. endless black sounds more appealing every day. what is the fucking point? i actually straight up asked my mom this the other day, and her answer was inadequate. not that a child should ever ask that of their mother anyway. i don't think she knew that was what i was doing, but at the same time, how could she have not? there isn't a point. not for me. maybe without alcohol or drugs there isn't one for my brother either. i've been waiting, i'm tired, it's all just... whatever. immature, simplistic outlook, but i'm all out of fucks to give. i've reached out to family members multiple times, and a part of me is always hoping they'll really look at me and take me seriously, and they never do, and what does that tell me? not that they don't care - i know they do - but maybe that the amount they care is an indicator of my life only being worth a certain amount. i'm not asking the universe to make me invaluable. i'm asking the universe for the strength to get out of a hole, and for the strength to form important relationships, and for the strength to make serious life changes. but the universe isn't sentient, doesn't care, and if the universe doesn't care and i don't care and my family doesn't know to care more... anyway. i hope my brother gets sober again. this is relapse two. he's bright, he's loved, he's strong, he's got a lot going for him. it sucks to love someone, know how lucky they are, know they can't see it and are tempted to throw it away for some beer. |