8:19 p.m. | 2014-08-07
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for the record, i am not even remotely this much of a downer in real life. some people say i'm downright pleasant! - ringing endorsement

lately i've been trying to remember when i started considering suicide an option (of course this is a suicide entry, what did you expect?). i had this random recollection the other day about one of my college lectures. the class was social problems, and we were talking about suicide. anyway, the professor talked about how he had a ~controversial~ opinion about suicide, basically that if you're sad about life "but not mentally ill" and feel like it'll never get better you should just "go for it".

listening to this lecture, i thought this guy was so fucking irresponsible. he had no idea what his students were going through, how they might be feeling, whether or not they'd ever felt suicidal and whether or not they were sick.

if i'm being honest, i still think he was fucking irresponsible to say that. but ever since i heard that lecture, i have become more and more cavalier about suicide. three years later and i totally agree with him. i didn't even really remember that class until i was reading an old journal entry about it the other day. i wonder which other people have totally shaped my life and opinions, wholly subconsciously. it's a bit scary that a long-forgotten lecture can have so much power.

anyway, this is all moot. i'll never kill myself. but i really miss the days when i was optimistic enough to say that life would always get better. for everyone.