12:53 a.m. | 2014-07-25
how might i live

today my stepsister got her first official job offer following law school (she just finished her first year), starting with an internship next summer that pays $1500 a week. jesus fucking christ. and this is one of the lowest-paying ones she's interviewing for. potential jobs in atlanta, chicago, boston, new york. she gets to consider these awesome locations that i've always longed for and can only ever dream of.

it sucks, how you can love someone so much and be so resentful of them at the same time. growing up with her, same age, same grade: being compared on every level and coming second every time. it's been exhausting. this is just the latest in a series of things she's done better than me. looks, grades, relationship milestones, marriage, popularity, intelligence, charisma, talent. i feel like i'd be a lot less bitter if i'd done something better just once. just once.

i hate that when she gets exciting news like this i'm always battling feelings of (well-hidden) resentment. i want to just be happy for her but it's so hard, knowing i've never come close to her in any way. and knowing that my dad is prouder of her than he could ever be of me.

i'm just tired. of uncertainty and loneliness and being directionless. of feeling inadequate. of being inadequate. of apathy. i graduate in december and then i have no fucking clue where life is gonna take me. what job i'm gonna end up doing. if it's gonna make me happy. if i'm ever gonna have a fucking friend again or if anyone could ever fall in love with someone so pathetic. if i'm gonna off myself. ain't life grand.