2:54 a.m. | 2014-12-14
in which i'm a whiny asshole per usual

so, i graduated. still a piece of shit, but now i'm a piece of shit with a bachelor's degree! it was a day of high highs and low lows. i'm glad i walked for my family, and their reactions made it worth it. my dad hugged me for a good minute, my mom got a bit teary-eyed and turned into a Very Serious Cinematographer, i had to take a million photos with every combination of family members possible, and we all went to lunch afterwards - which, considering my mom thinks my stepmom is the devil incarnate, was a real display of sacrifice.

but jesus. the lows were low. look, i wax poetic in here about how lonely i am, but i try to keep the pity party limited to every few months. i'm great at avoiding how utterly fucking alone i am. the great thing about school was i could go to class, put in minimal effort, and flee the scene as soon as the clock struck the hour. unfortunately you can't really avoid being a friendless loser at a college graduation. as we waited to line up there was hugging, screaming, congratulating, picture-taking everywhere, and there i was, awkwardly hovering by a pillar and praying for the ceremony to get a move on. a couple groups of happy-ass graduates hesitantly asked me to take pictures for them, which would've been a great clip for the depressing montage that is my life: me, accepting six different iphones for six different photographs of six happy friends.

one of the girls took pity on me and started up a conversation that lasted a solid 20 seconds before she, being an obviously popular sweetheart who starts conversations with pathetic loners, had to run off and see one of her actual friends. it was honestly such a nice gesture that i had to hold back tears. i distracted myself by spending 5 minutes tugging my stupid robe in place.

wham, bam, diploma, proud parents, proud grandma, proud sister. i have people in my life who love me and support me. but if i'm being honest it's not enough.

i think another element of this reaffirmation of sadness is that my only ex-boyfriend got married today. for the record this is not a pining kind of sadness (we "dated" when i was 15, for four months; it barely constitutes a relationship). it's just the scary concept of how fast time passes, of how much time i've wasted, of the fact that people who used to be really important to me keep moving while i'm at a standstill. i think that's the biggest problem: as a high school ex i'm an afterthought to this guy, as i should be. i dumped him, he was sad, he moved on, he dated a million other people and fell in love a couple times, then he found someone worth proposing to, that's what it's like for healthy people. but i've had so few meaningful relationships that people stay with me for far longer than they should. emotions get permanently attached: not lingering feelings for the person, but for the emotions i felt with them. the experiences are what it really boils down to. if we could collect special memories and measure them tangibly i'd be miles behind the people who are or were in my life. and that pisses me off.

in my worst moments, when i form a plan and i am almost tempted to commit to it, that empty mental scrapbook is what keeps me stubbornly hanging on. i don't want to die if there's nothing to show for it. i can't die a friendless, jobless, talentless, unloved virgin at 24. how fucking pathetic. but at the same time, the longer i stick around stagnant the more pathetic it becomes. is it better to die this sad at 24, or wait to be this sad and a middle-aged cat lady? sometimes i'm afraid i already know the answer.