10:04 p.m. | 2013-06-16
wedding

one of the worst things about depression is the self-absorption it inflicts, but my sister got hitched last night and it was a beautiful wedding and everything went smoothly. she looked flawless, and she's really in love, and maybe i don't really buy the ~institution of marriage~ but i'm happy for them anyway and i really love my new brother-in-law and am so happy he's officially part of the family. i could set aside all my unhappiness for one night to focus on something really monumental.

i saw a lot of people from high school, and i was able to actually carry conversations with minimal awkwardness. i was even a bridesmaid which required a shitload of potentially traumatizing duties (like walking down the aisle alone) that i somehow trudged through. i actually wore makeup and got my hair done and wore a fancy dress for the first time in my life and accepted a lot of very nice but very untrustworthy compliments.

and i still kind of want to die. every moment in my life is tinged with sadness. isn't that ridiculous? i was at a wedding, surrounded by great happy people, surrounded by the family i love, surrounded by my own personal joy for the husband and bride, posing and cheesing for bridal party photos, conversing and lying through my teeth about my quality of life, being complimented... and i still felt like i was in the sad portion of an ad for depression.

but this is to be expected. and i got to watch one of my favorite people shine with joy and live out the night she spent six months planning to death. and i don't know how to fix anything. life is the opposite of cut and dry.