5:38 a.m. | 2011-02-12
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i guess today i'm thinking about childhood. the cliche type of thoughts, you know, how everything was easier and lighter and simpler. you have this idea, when you're young, without even realizing that you HAVE this idea, just knowing in some kind of subconscious way that adulthood will be amazing. that as long as you're a "good" person with some kind of set plan to make the world a better place, even through something as simple as a steady career and a well-fitted slot in society, you will be happy and loved and successful.

i haven't felt really carefree since i was twelve years old. and it wasn't like i ever had any problems. i just started to look around and realize that the idea we have when we're kids is a complete lie, at least for some of us. sometimes i think about my classmates from high school and how they're sitting around in dorm rooms, falling in love and getting high with friends and going to concerts. and then i think about myself and how every day it becomes a little harder to leave my room or WANT to leave my room.

i have this burning desire to escape my isolation, but i wonder if it's the same kind of desire as the idea of happiness when you're a kid. if that makes any sense. do i really desire friendship and love, or do i feel like i should and thus do? is my desire for friendship as true as that stupid idea we have as kids that life is without flaw (in other words, not at all)?

there's that quote - i can't remember from, or maybe it's just an idea we all come to in adulthood - that some people just aren't meant to be happy. maybe that's true. well, an edited version of it, because i don't believe in fate or things being "meant" to happen. some of us just aren't wired for it. is that really an idea? i guess it's a cold hard fact. i mean, chemicals in brains and our ability to grow immune to medicines so even medicines can't permanently fix those chemicals.

i've never actually believed the chemicals in my brain were messed up. that seemed like something for LEGITIMATELY ill people, not just people with mild depression and an ability to turn every situation sour. maybe my chemicals are messed up. i don't know. sometimes i feel like when i was on meds for a brief period, that things were a bit better, at least my anxiety.

i'm thinking about when i stopped taking my meds abruptly, and how i had those brain jolts, and my eyes couldn't stop wandering everywhere, and worst of all i was curled up in a ball on my bed, wanting to kill myself more than i ever had wanted to before but still having no courage to go through with it. i'm thinking that's the sanest i've ever been and if only i'd tried to grasp some courage a little harder. i'm thinking i'll never work up that courage. i'm thinking about how unfortunate that is.