4:09 a.m. | 2011-01-26
i will never be happy.

i guess i'm a bit sad. i don't really understand why. i never really have. it comes and it goes but it never leaves permanently. and i can't figure out why. i never will, i don't think. if i wanted to change things.. i guess it would be so easy. if i had it in me. i could look for a job. i could force myself to.. join a club, or go on a bike ride, or go on a random drive to the park. but i'm too apathetic and i'm too scared and i'm too comfortable.

i'm writing in this journal because no one knows it exists. sometimes it's nice to hear "it'll be okay" but ultimately it doesn't change anything, least of all my attitude. ultimately i just like to write. and not seem like your average "depressed" person on the cusp of adulthood.

it's 4:12 am and i have class at noon. i only have class once a day for an hour and a half, monday-thursday. but i already missed monday's and tuesday's classes. why do i do this? it's so easy. an hour and a half, four days a week. no job. just these fucking classes. and i can't manage it. i get lazy or scared or nervous. i'm so irresponsible. i hate myself.

i know depression is an actual illness. a real one. a diagnosable, treatable one, that sometimes causes people to slip up and mess up their lives. but i don't believe i get that excuse. i'm just lazy and unmotivated and worthless. sometimes i really don't think i deserve to live.