a girl named disillusionment
12:13 a.m. | 2019-12-10

it's been a while, huh? my husband (ha!) of just over two weeks is on a business trip and i've been sitting alone in the dark with our lit-up christmas tree and our cats, listening to music, and decided to take a walk down memory lane. reading through a few of my last entries hit me like a brick. i talked about not remembering my sadness a few entries ago, but i really don't remember it. i'm at a point in my life where, day to day, i don't think about how hard things used to be for me - it all feels so distant. but when i really take the time to remember it, i feel so unbelievably, indescribably lucky. how many people get to overcome that? for a moment, my luck moved me to tears.

so many of the people i grew up with are still struggling. for me, the issues that felt insurmountable for over a decade have become manageable anxiety and no depression. i'm not in therapy, i'm not on medication. i just exposure-therapied myself into a job and a relationship, and my life started falling into place. i have no idea why some people have a light at the end of the tunnel and others do not. all i know is today i'm grateful for what i once thought of as my own cowardice. tonight i want to thank my past self for hanging on for all those years.

i'd say i'm closing this book, but it's been closed for a while now. thanks for everything, dland.

before | old | after