1:42 p.m. | 2012-09-10
anomie

was legitimately tempted to jump in front of traffic today, so needless to say i'm not doing so well, mentally speaking. and no one at all is surprised.

look, i don't know how to fix any of this shit. i don't know if i'm making the right schooling choices. i know most people don't stick with their first major or their first career but i don't want to spend the first forty years of my life hopping from career to career hoping one will stick and feel right and make me happy. but i also don't want to waffle around until i'm absolutely sure, mostly because that's implausible and i can't and i've made a commitment.

i don't know how to make friends. i don't understand what aspects of the concept are hard for me. i went to a concert this weekend and i met up with an internet friend and the conversation was easy, we got along. i don't know if it was because i had familiarized myself with her, at least virtually, for the past few years, but it was not very awkward at all. we even made conversation with two people in front of us, which i am totally incapable of doing on my own. but put me in a classroom setting and i am mute unless i'm called upon, and then i stumble over my words and try too hard to be funny and end up sounding like a twat. what is it about school that makes me incapable of functioning like a human with basic conversational skills?

my emotions are going in a thousand different directions. i like living on my own, but i want to scream with how lonely i am, how lonely i have been for the past fucking half-decade. i miss my parents, but when they call or text i find myself rolling my eyes because they're annoying. i want to learn and i love the subject i'm studying, but i don't know if what i'm learning is RIGHT, if me choosing to aim for social work is a smart decision when i CANNOT befriend a single fucking soul. how the fuck am i supposed to counsel people on their lives when mine is unfathomably pathetic? i'm too afraid to live; i want to die - but i can't even contemplate the idea of suicide because i'm an agnostic coward terrified of death.

i'm just. god. i don't even know. outwardly i seem so calm and indifferent which is great, because on the inside i am a mess. i am losing my damn mind. and now i'm crying. i need to get it together and take notes on the 40 pages of work due in three hours. the worst part about all of this is that i'm totally alone, all i have is this schoolwork, and i still procrastinate until the absolute last minute. how can people juggle five classes and a job and a social life? there is something wrong with my wiring. at this point i'm 98% sure there's no fixing me.

i'm going to go do my schoolwork now, and then go to school in a few hours, and act like a ~normal happy member of society~, and remind myself that no one can actually tell i'm irrevocably fucked up, and pray to the gods i don't believe in that i find some damn motivation so i don't ruin the one thing i have going in my life. i'm going to learn to accept that emotional connections with ANYONE don't seem to be in the cards for me, and that i deserve it because i don't even try. maybe i can also pray for some goddamn life-fixing or life-ending courage. at this point i don't even care which. flip a coin, fate.