10:47 p.m. | 2012-06-17
the sea is calling

i'm really terrible with children. i've got three-going-on-four nieces and ever since they were born i was awkward and stilted with them, barely held them when they were babies. i've never known how to converse with them, the 'right' thing to say to kids, uncomfortable with displaying the kinds of affection that are superimposed on women, supposedly a biological instinct. it's not that i don't love them; i do, i feel so much pride and love for them every day. i just don't know how to show them - or anyone, really - how much i care.

my nieces are nine, six, and four now, and in the past few months they've all warmed up to me. they squeal and hug me when i walk into a room, no longer hesitant and shy. it's like when they were younger they sensed how uncomfortable i was and resented me for it, but now that i've been hanging around for years, distanced but reliably in the background, they know they can trust and love me, hug me when they see me without restraint.

it kind of breaks my heart. it terrifies me to think that they are probably going to lose that ability to open up (just because someone does the bare minimum by sticking around) one day. i certainly hope they don't turn out as socially broken as me, but the naivety of childhood will definitely be erased. and it's not like i even deserve that affection until i learn to display a little bit more myself (though i'd like to think i'm getting better), but it doesn't matter to them. i'm family and they love me. somehow, even through my bumbling barely-actions, they are able to recognize my love and love me in return.

i guess adulthood isn't like that. i like people for the most part, but i can't find it in myself to risk showing it and getting rejected (an awesome symptom of my avoidant personality). and so they can't ever recognize it in me. they're not going to reach out like my tiny nieces. i'll just stay alone.