9:17 p.m. | 2012-03-06
college! the non-cc kind!

got into flagler. which is a good thing considering it's the only school i applied to. regardless, in five months time i will no longer be at community college - i'll be actually working towards a degree in a legitimate way on my own, two hours from home. WHICH IS AWESOME. (no offense to community colleges, by the way; lord knows i needed these extra years at home.)

so yes, journal i write progressively more depressing things in as the years go by, i am capable of excitement! and i'm pretty excited. and so is my family. i haven't given them anything to be proud of in a long time; my dad almost cried. it's not even a particularly impressive school (hell, my stepsister is aiming for harvard law school, which adequately justifies my complex), but!

i'm caught between two mind states: on the one hand, i want to mentally jump around and convince myself that everything in this new place will be different, that i'll magically have more allure there than i do here, attracting friends and boyfriends and admiration by the handful. on the other hand, i want to squash it all and be a total pessimist and tell myself that the only changed thing will be my location and my schooling so i'm not completely crushed. because i'm me, the latter is winning out.

i just.. would really like this place to be different. i keep picturing a good life there. at this point i've been depressed for so long that i'm fairly certain my happy standards are pathetically and easily achievable. welp. here's hoping.