3:46 p.m. | 2012-02-25
i never sleep at night, i just stay up and wait

they say the human mind is like a computer. it's definitely a valid comparison. and if the mind is like a computer, i've got one of those outdated ones from the late '80s, the kind that could run email and maybe a game of tetris without exploding. i feel like everyone else around me has a modern-day model or some shit. they're socializing and working and educating themselves and falling in love and grocery shopping and making appointments with ease while i struggle with the basics, staying awake and managing three measly classes and not spending every one of those waking minutes wanting to off myself (does spending all day focusing on "don't be depressed" count as actually not being depressed?).

like computers, we've all got expiration dates. and limits. let's be real, i'd like to think my limit was as short as that '80s computer, but what i lack in drive i make up for in the basic human instinct to survive.

society.. all of us, we have such an averse reaction to death. honestly: i'm not doing shit with my life. there is a chance i will go on to do something with it, maybe i'll finally grow up and grow past the depressed stage that has dominated me for close to a decade, but i'm sure as shit not doing anything with it in the here and now. and sometimes i'm so tempted. but i never do it, never come close, never attempt or make plans or even self-harm in a non-life-threatening way. and i'm really glad to have escaped that aspect of depression that so many people struggle with, don't get me wrong, in my strongest moments i recognize how absolutely terrible that must be to deal with, but sometimes i'm mentally unstable enough to silently regret it. what a foolish thing to regret.