10:32 a.m. | 2015-03-11
i suck.

yeah, never mind. had my first day today. lasted two hours before i panicked and weeped for 10 minutes in the office of the lady who hired me. she was SO understanding. i told her about my history with anxiety and she was a complete sweetheart about it. told me there was something "special" about me, and that's why she took a chance, and that i'd be fine. maybe they were empty platitudes but i was still so touched. she hugged me before i left and told me i'd be fine. i wish i believed her.

jesus. i hate myself so much. my parents were so excited and proud. i just called my stepmom and cried to her about it because i knew she wouldn't be outwardly disappointed, and she said she'd tell my dad and thank god for it, but having to call my mom right now.. i'm not looking forward to it.

i don't know how to fix this. or maybe i do and i just can't. i'm so afraid of everything.