8:06 p.m. | 2011-06-22
for the record, this journal is obviously used for the thoughts too embarrassing and self-indulgent to be read.

i've been helping out at my parents' company for the past few weeks, which is nice. it's only temporary, but it pays $9/hr and i just sit around typing names and addresses into a database and listening to my ipod for five hours a day. soon enough i'll have to find a real, permanent job, a thought that still terrifies my entire being; but even though i'm not making any real societal contributions, even though this temporary job is entry-level, meaningless work, i still feel better about life, just having a place to go every day. to get me out of the house, out of stagnation.

i'm still depressed. i still have no friends nor will i probably ever, i hate virtually every aspect of my appearance yet still can't motivate my fat ass onto a treadmill, my siblings continue to advance their lives rapidly while i stare around in bemused horror at my own lack of achievements, school seems pointless, summertime makes me feel even more useless than usual (especially because i opted to take no summer classes and thus am stuck with an almost-four-month stretch of no classes, which is awesome, but definitely feelings-of-"oh-god-i'm-a-total-and-complete-failure"-inducing). life still feels mostly pointless. but it's amazing how quickly suicidal idealizations can leave me (and return, but that's for another day - or not, i wouldn't mind).

i guess what hurts is that up until recently - by recently i mean maybe a year or so ago - i could not fathom what would make someone want to end their own life. well, i guess i understood to a point: i sympathized rather than empathized. i didn't judge or think less of them, but i felt certain that i was totally safe from those kinds of thoughts. i've dealt with depression since i was twelve, but i assumed it would never get that bad for me. but then those thoughts came. and even though i'm not feeling remotely suicidal lately, it's just.. turned into an option for me. one i highly, highly doubt i'll ever venture toward, but an option nonetheless. and even though those thoughts are currently in hibernation, it's still something constantly on my mind, a question i ask myself every day: "are you happy to be alive today?"

i don't know what changed in my brain, what switch flipped to suddenly turn that into a viable possibility. but i don't even think i'd want to turn it off, given the opportunity. that's what scares me most. i've gotten so comfortable with depression. on particularly hard days, i can't even tell if i'm feeling legitimately sad or simply embracing the routine. i really don't want to get comfortable with even the idea of suicide in the same way.