11:36 p.m. | 2009-05-02
i'm writing in here because no one knows this exists

I used to want to believe in reincarnation.

Death is a terrifying concept. As a firm agnostic, my belief (or complete lack thereof) is far more depressing than even an atheist's view. At least an atheist feels confident that there's nothing after death. They're going to die but they won't be aware of it. And Christians, for the most part, seem pretty certain of their eternity in Heaven. You don't meet many Christians convinced they're damned to hell.

Me? I have no fucking clue what's next. There's nothing even remotely comforting about that.

So I wanted to believe in reincarnation. The concept is nice. Live an endless cycle of lives. Be a human, a butterfly, a cat. Whatever. But never truly die.

Now I'm not so sure if I want to believe in reincarnation. I must have a horrible soul to get stuck with this friendless, lifeless existence. I barely leave my home. I can't talk to people. Simple tasks like driving to unknown places give me an anxiety attack. I left high school because of the anxiety I felt.

My life is meaningless.

I don't want to believe in reincarnation anymore. I want to firmly believe that nothing comes after death. I want to believe that when I die, I won't have to remember being this lonely. And I certainly won't have to be tormented by it for eternity.

Okay, melodrama ending here.